I go home in exactly 2 weeks.
I don't know if I'm ready for it...
It's starting to hit me how weird it's going to feel for a while. That's not to say that I want to be here longer or that I don't want to be home- I do- but I know that deep down, I'm a little different now. And everyone else will be too.
I've had nightmares for the past couple of nights about my family, about being home, and although the true cause of these is probably my lack of sleep, I think part of it is my worry that I've idealized home so much, it won't feel right when I finally get back.
I'm sure these are all gross exaggerations, but so much has happened.
I thought I was starting to pile up regrets recently- like not being able to see Italy or any of the other numerous places in Europe and surrounding areas that I've thought about visiting. But the truth is, I don't really care anymore. I miss people. Places are generally stagnant, but in these 5 months, my baby sister has grown taller than me, all the little ones are developing into bright, not-so-little adolescents and one of my favorite cousins is getting married. All the while, I am here, missing all of it. And so, I don't really care that I won't get to see more ancient ruins, extravagant palaces, etc. that I can't fully comprehend anyway. All of this would have meant so much more if I had been able to share it with the people I love.
I am excited to be home soon, I just hope things won't be too different. Because I'm tired of being an outsider.
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Dear, Paige. This is how it should be. Yes it will feel weird for a while. While your "baby sister has grown taller than me, all the little ones are developing into bright, not-so-little adolescents [really, Paige, 'adolescents'? are we talking about the same 'little ones'?] and one of my favorite cousins is getting married. All the while, I am here, missing all of it." you have also grown: (metaphorically) taller than you were, developed into a more bright, more thinking, more feeling young woman, and you have matched up with the world and you smile and dream and worry and care all the more for this, first of your great adventures.
ReplyDeleteYep things will be different inside of you forever. But that's called living; anything else is called dying. In all things we miss some things and we latch onto others. We make our choices and expect the best. One of the things you choose everyday, and we are all so infinitely happy that you do, is to love. You are not, never were, doubt you ever will be, an outsider. Your choices put you in a different place than where you were and where we are. Your's is a beautiful place!
That weird feeling won't exactly last. It also won't exactly leave either. Sometimes growing sucks. However, growth feels good. It is important. It makes you more than a paige, it develops you into short stories, novels, volumes, bookshelves, and libraries! Congratulations. Let me be the first to welcome you home through this blog. You're terrific!
Love,
-Mary
P. S. Ah still hates you ;)